Where do babies come from?
by Green Crayons
Summary: As Sirius and Remus go to visit Lily and James lots of random things happen. Lily learns she's pregnant and is battered with questions from Sirius. All the while James and Remus worry about Pettigrew. Quite random. Read and Review! Hiatus
1. Sirius?

Disclaimer- Nah I don't own Harry Potter.

Author's Note: Erm well I wrote this out of complete boredom. If people like it maybe I'll continue.

Summary: James and Lily have been married a for few years and haven't seen Sirius and Remus in while. As they come to visit the new couple horrible news unfolds, as does the wonderful news that Lily is pregnant. Along the way there's lots of bumps, and bruises literally. And Sirius still wonders where babies come from.

**Chapter One**

Lily and James Potter. The name never the less the people made the perfect couple.

Her with her beautiful long curly red hair and her almond shaped eyes that glistened green. She was not an ordinary girl. She was much more than that, because of course she was Lily Potter.

Him, with his jet black hair that never seemed to stay tidy. He was a tall man with a built figure that was just right. He was the perfect man, as he could have any woman he wanted, but he longed for Lily, even through all the rejection she had fed him.

Lily sat there her hair pinned up skimming through the Daily Prophet while eating a piece of buttered toast. James sat across from her flinging paper at her.

Lily never got tired of James's goofy ways. He had never failed to make her laugh. "Mhm, muggles are claiming they see people flying on broomsticks. Honestly James, you've got to be more careful."

James, astounded at how Lily could ever think it was him who was carelessly flying through the sky on a broomstick sarcastically replied, "Lily how could you? How could you think that I would be so foolish to do such a thing? Im so hurt!" He chuckled seeing the look on Lily's face. He took a sip of pumpkin juice as he took the paper from her hands.

"Oh, why James I'm sorry. To make it up to you I'll give you the honor of straightening up the house before Sirius and Remus come," she answered leaving the room with a grin on her face.

"Oh it's not like they care how our house looks. I mean if I was a pig at Hogwarts who's to say I changed?" he shouted after her.

James and Lily had been married for a year or two, and were not sick of each other. Well not yet at least…

Continuing on with is breakfast he flipped through the Daily Prophet looking for something that didn't involve muggles. He didn't seem to like them much, except of course Lily's parents. As for her sister, he didn't seem to care for her. There were loads of articles of threats made by Voldemort, a name James wasn't afraid to say.

James and Lily belonged to the Order of the Phoenix, strongly against the Dark Arts. James was always convinced Snape was into that stuff, and strongly disliked him. He hated the Dark Arts and all those who practiced them. James placed the paper down as he stood up from the chair. Arms stretched out he let out a loud yawn.

"Hmph," he muttered to himself. He wasn't in the mood to clean, he never was. Why clean things manually when you could always just use a spell. He never understood how muggles lived without magic; even after making Lily explain it to him millions of times. He enchanted the dishes to clean themselves and smiled. "There, Lily should be proud,"

He followed her into their bedroom, the room he loved. He loved seeing Lily's face before he went to sleep and loved to see her face when he woke. She was the light in his life. "What're you doing?" he asked looking strangely at her. Lily stood there sweeping up the floor with the broom and dustpan. "Honestly Lily, you're of age and you graduated Hogwarts. You can use magic in your own home."

"I know, I know but still," she replied continuing. James walked behind her and knocked the broom out of her hands, and kissed her gently. She turned and smiled. There weren't enough words in the world to explain how much Lily meant to him.

"I love you," he said brushing her fiery red hair out of her face and kissed her again. She clutched herself around him in a hug and nodded. They stood there just snogging in each other's arm.

"I love you too James. I love you too," she replied looking up at him. "So, did you at least put your dishes away?" James shook his head no. An angry look came across Lily's face. It wasn't much like Lily to care whether dishes were away but Sirius and Remus were due to come soon. And it honestly wasn't much like Lily to care about impressing either one of them.

"Oh no need to throw a wobbly. The dishes are cleaning themselves," he said. Lily rolled her eyes and kissed James on the cheek as she turned to the bed. She propped herself onto the bed looking up at the ceiling. "So, when did Sirius say he was coming?" asked James. It's not like James ever remembered things.

"Dunno."

"Oh" James got onto the bed and lay next to Lily. Maybe he could pass the time by just laying with her. As he reached over to kiss her and loud screech came from the doorway.

"Hey Guys! I've missed you!" shouted Sirius with a huge grin on his face. He jumped on the bed and in between Lily and James. "Oh wait did I interrupt something?"


	2. Pillow Fighting Virgins

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter!

A/N: Don't worry this story is going somewhere (: Enjoy…I hope. Review and I'll give you cookies and muffins.

**Chapter 2 **

Remus stood in the corner looking terrorized. He shook his head in shame. "Why? Why am I friends with you?" he pleaded.

Lily quickly jumped from the bed and looked angry. "Sirius, why didn't you knock or something?" she asked.

"Because then it wouldn't be a surprise. Now go fetch me some Pumpkin Juice, woman!" Sirius loudly answered.

Lily left the room not to get him a drink but to leave the scene. She smiled as she walked by Remus. Remus was yet again buried in a book as Sirius was jumping on the bed. "Sirius. Sirius, please. BLOODY HELL Sirius what are you doing?!" James screamed at him.

"Oh yeah just seeing how comfy and fluffy bed is," he replied.

"And you'd be doing that why?" James asked confused.

"Oh you know since you and Lily have been married. I bet you guys have been having a lot fun in this bed," he replied. James didn't know how to reply to that, for he felt really uncomfortable talking about what he and Lily did in their bedroom.

"Huh?" was all he could comprehend.

"You know pillow fights, don't tell me you haven't had any pillow fights yet. God James you're such a pillow fight virgin." James let out a sigh of relief as Remus stood in the corner laughing. "Right Remus, have you ever had a pillow fight with a girl?" James started to think maybe Sirius had made pillow fights a code word for something else.

"Ugh, no." he quickly replied.

"Oh well I have. Billions of times, even when I was in Hogwarts. Almost with every girl I went out with, which well we all know was a hell of a lot girl."

"Sirius what exactly is a pillow fight?" asked James concerned.

"You know when slap pillows at each other hoping to knock over the other one so you can feel all manly, and which I might add I AM MANLY!" James was confused about how Sirius's brain exactly functioned but quickly put that into the back of his head.

"So, let's go downstairs. I'm sure Lily probably something ready to eat," suggested Remus to finish the awkward scene.

"Yay, me first you pillow fight virgins!" he shrieked running out of the room.

Lily was sitting at the kitchen table drinking water as they all piled in along with her. "So Lily I hear you've got something cooking in the oven," said Sirius. Lily nearly spit the water everywhere.

"What in the hell are you talking about?" she asked looking directly at James. "I'm not pregnant."

"Er…Lily of course not. The oven, you know where you bake things, things like muffins," said Remus.

"Oh. Oh my. Of course. Of course here eat this," she replied shoving some pie their way. Sirius had finished it off before Remus or James could get their hands on it.

"More, I want more," complained Sirius. With a flick of his wand three more pies arrived. James and Remus smiled thinking Sirius would be giving them one, but not to their surprise he gobbled them all down and said, "So Lily I hear you're a virgin."

Lily's face to turned to stone, and she glared at James who gave a shrug. "Um, what?"

"You know a pillow fighting virgin," he responded with a mouth full of cherry pie.


	3. Pregnant!

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. If I did I'd be rolling around in a big pile of cash.

Thanks to everyone who reviewed. I love you all! Here are your cookies and muffins.. (::) umm it was the best I could do lol. Anyways enjoy !

**Chapter 3**

The next couple of days started to become pure hell to Lily. Sirius slept well into the afternoon leaving a trail of food wherever he went. Random and inappropriate questions fluttered out of his mouth every five seconds making Lily question whether he ever grew up. As Lily tied her hair up she felt a slight pain in her stomach causing her to sit down, maybe a few minutes of relaxation, but was quickly interrupted by Sirius.

"Hiya Lily," he squeaked. Lily rolled her eyes and looked at him. Sirius became more of annoyance rather than a friend, but she still loved the way he brought a smile to her face. "Wanna go to Hogsmeade with James and I?"

"What about Remus? I know that he adores it there," Lily wanted to know.

"Eh he's all huddled up in that book. I mean only big fat little skinny wormy macaroni shoveling eating prude slimy grease ball of a dude read books," he said.

"Umm, Sirius isn't he one of your best friends?" asked Lily confused that Sirius would insult him in such a nature.

"Oh yeah. Okay so maybe he's just a loser. Forget all that other stuff!" he answered. "So Lily do you wanna come?" What could it hurt to spend an afternoon with James, Remus and Sirius and that it occurred that there would definitely be some injuries with Sirius along. She nodded hoping they wouldn't pull anything drastic. "Great, now hurry up."

Memories instantly flodded Lily's head from when her and the rest of them had been there at Hogwarts. She remembered enjoying Honeydukes and all the sweets it offered. She even had surprisingly enjoyed Zonko's Joke Shop. "Ready," she yelled climbing down the stairs to only Sirius fooling around again.

He had forced Remus to get on all fours as Sirius sat on his back yelling "Come on horsey. Come on." Lily forced a laugh turning red.

"You know I never thought you guys could sink this low. It's like you're still sixteen," she said as she gathered her coat and wrapped it around her. She stood close to James, and clutched his hand into hers. He kissed her forehead as they stood there watching Remus cry in pain. "Shouldn't you help him?" she asked James.

"Nah," he replied. They all piled into the living room and in front of the fireplace.

"Floo Powder yay! Ha-ha remember when you ate Floo Powder James, do you?" Sirius shouted.

"Yeah Sirius I do. I remember how you were the person who ate it," James answered.

"Well excuse me if it looked like sugar!"

"It doesn't remotely look like sugar, Sirius." Remus quickly added.

"Hey listen you horse um I don't know. I can't think of a come back. Oh I got one you bookworm!" shrieked

Sirius.

"Oh my how you have offended me," Remus said taking some Floo Powder and shouted 'Hogsmeade' and was off.

They all followed him and fumbled into Hogsmeade. "It's here! It's here!" shouted Sirius.

"Yeah where would it go?" asked Lily.

"Up your nose," he snapped back.

They all piled into Honeydukes which was empty. "Why aren't they're any Hoggies here?" asked Sirius.

"God Sirius, it's not the weekend and honestly you alone with underage wizards is like water and electricity."

Of course Sirius didn't know what electricity was so it wasn't much of an insult.

Remus went off in the corner looking at Licorice Wands, which he adored. Lily and James, holding hands were looking through the Chocolate Frogs display. "You know out of everything in here theses will always be my favorite," James told Lily. "And yours of course will always be Peppermint Toads." He smiled that he could possibly remember Lily's favorite sweet.

"Why of course," she replied. They shared a sweet moment together holding onto each other passing the wall of sweets, which was interrupted by who else?

_Sirius._

"Look what I've got!" Sirius was holding so much candy even after piling it into his shirt it was falling from everywhere.

"How do you expect to pay for all that?" asked Lily piling a few Peppermint Toads onto her palm.

"Oh, I'm sure it won't come to more than a few knuts," he reassured Lily and James. They weren't too convinced as they offered to help him put some back. Sirius wasn't the best at conserving money.

They all gathered at the counter, Remus first only buying a few Licorice Wands. James and Lily put theirs together and quickly paying as Sirius came gliding through. He emptied his shirt, and then his four different pockets. "Okay this is all," he said cheerfully. Remus, Lily, and James looked at him in disbelief.

"Er..Sirius how do you reckon to pay for all of that?" Remus quietly asked.

"Hush Hush horsey! I've got a load of money!" he exclaimed and looked at the clerk. "Come on I've got places to go. Places to be!"

Sirius had nowhere he had to be. He just wanted the sweets and wanted them fast. "That'll be five galleons," she said looking at him. Sirius's jaw dropped.

"Er…are you sure?"

"Yes," she coldly answered looking as though she wanted him to get out of the shop.

"Ah well. James pay up!"

"Huh? What? No, Sirius they're your damn sweet, you pay for them," James defended himself.

"James, please no. Let's not cause a scene." She pushed her way up to the counter and lay five galleons on the counter and picked up the bag of sweets and walked fiercely out of the door.

They soon followed looking a bit puzzled. "Thanks, Lily!" Sirius joyfully said plopping a chocoball into his mouth.

James looked furious. "Bloody hell, Sirius." They all made their way to The Three Broomsticks to have a few buttebeers.

They sat there for what felt like hours talking about the old days at Hogwarts, Snape had come up occasionally making Lily feel uncomfortable. She had tried to befriend him before he called her a 'Mudblood'. "Excuse me, I'll be right back." Lily said standing from the table.

"You alright honey?" asked a concerned James.

"Ooooooooo you called her honey. Are you guys in love? Ooooo!" shouted Sirius.

"Oh no we're not in love I just married her for no reason," sarcastically replied James.

"Oh, yeah. I knew that here try one of these cockroach clusters," he said handing one each to James and Remus. They all made sour faces while biting a piece of it.

Lily stood bathroom, her face pale. She felt uneasy and her stomach seemed to hurt. After a few moments in the bathroom she quickly returned. James jumped up and asked, "Are you, are you alright?"

She shook her head no, "James, I think I'm pregnant." James seemed to turn into a statue, becoming completely frozen.

"Pregnant?!" screamed Sirius. Everyone in the room seem to focus their attention on the four of them. He was choking on the cockroach cluster. Remus quickly slapped his back causing the lodged candy to go flying onto the back of James's neck.

It was the least of his worries. "Lily how did this happen?" asked Sirius.

"Yeah that's what I would like to know," added James.

"I know. Wait what no. Ahh Sirius confused. Lily how did that baby get in your tummy?" asked Sirius. Remus, Lily, and James looked at him in disbelief and shock.


	4. Underage Drinking

Disclaimer- I don't own Harry Potter….unfortunately.

A/N: Sorry I haven't updated in forever…or maybe just a few days or whatever! Ah well enjoy and review! Tell me what you really think.

**Chapter Four**

"Ah well anybody want another butterbeer?" asked Remus, thinking he could possibly put an end to the awkward moment.

"Not now Remus, can't you see! Lily is going to have a baby. How or why I'm still not sure…but it's supposed to be a special thing right? I mean why else would people keep having babies?" Sirius inquired with a puzzled look on his face.

"Yeah exactly," said Remus walking back to the counter to order another butterbeer.

"Oh wow…just wow," said James pacing around the table.

"Well a bit unexpected yes, but aren't you happy?"

"Of course he is! I'm going to be an uncle! He or she will look up to me, me being awesome, handsome, beautiful, brave, gorgeous-"

"Enough! Of course Lily I'm happy. I'm really happy. I'm going to be…I'm going to be a Dad!" shrieked James with excitement on his face.

"Me, a Mum just imagine!" squealed Lily with excitement.

"But me of course the most important, the uncle!" exclaimed Sirius.

"Well, technically you're not the uncle," Remus added.

"Must you ruin everything?! You and those books…they're turning you too smart," Sirius snapped.

"Too smart?" questioned Remus who went back to his butterbeer and book.

"Ah well I reckon we go back home," suggested James. They all nodded and followed him to the fireplace in The Three Broomsticks. As they gathered the Floo Powder into their palms, Sirius looked uneasy. He looked just as sick as Lily did.

"Oh you're not pregnant too are you Sirius? Who's the Daddy?" chuckled Remus.

"Ergh, can we just get back?" asked Sirius who acted more serious than he had ever in his life.

"Yeah, yeah of course, let's get a move on things," answered James.

They soon arrived back at Lily and James house all quite taken back. Sirius still chomping away on candy occasionally he would ask questions of why they invented such flavors or why they wouldn't name a candy after him. To much a relief James and Lily weren't battered with questions about why or how?

Days had passed, with no questions and no hassle but of course who else would ruin that?

"Lily, why are you having a baby?" he asked taking a sip of pumpkin juice.

"Erm, eh um. You know how about you ask James that question?" she requested looking down at her hands as she fumbled with them.

"James?"

"Well we're having a baby because we're married and we um, believe it's time," he lied. Lily and James had always planned on having a baby, but they were quite not ready.

"Yeah, but lots of people, especially muggles have babies and they're not married. Why?" asked Sirius. Sirius was starting to resemble a five year old, curious and a bit dumb.

"Erm you know Sirius I don't know. Sometimes it just happens," James snapped back.

"Oh so like luck?"

"Oh bloody hell Sirius. Women are not slot machines! You can't just go up to them and pull a lever and see if you win a baby," Remus added a bit annoyed.

"It'd be a lot easier that way now wouldn't it?" Sirius suggested.

"Yeah, I bet it would be. Nothing awkward you know, no commitment," replied Remus. Lily shot a nasty look at him and he piped down.

Thoughts were flying around Lily's head. Would she be a good mother? What if the child ended up loathing her as Sirius did toward his mother? "I think I'm going to go take a nap," she said motioning for James not to follow her. James was a bit puzzled himself, questioning himself of the same questions. He always thought of being a Dad, maybe not a good but it was still a bit fun to think about it.

"So what are you hoping for, gender wise?" asked Remus.

"It'd be fun to have a boy, but of course if it was a girl it would probably be just as beautiful as Lily," replied James with a grin on his face.

Sirius chuckled as he threw his back laughing, "Yeah but with boys you can go out drinking. I'll take your son the day he's born for a few drinks" With the emphasis on 'son' James looked a bit scared.

"Are you kidding me? He would die, and you have to be eighteen anyway. Don't you think the bartender would notice if you shoved some alcohol down his throat?" asked Remus.

"Oh he can handle it. It's not like he'll be drinking a lot!"

"Sirius, have you been drinking a lot?" asked James. "I mean when the time comes to discuss that stuff, I guess I don't know. I'll leave Lily to deal with that women stuff."

They all gave a small laugh. Withering away the afternoon with wizard's chess was nothing to new to the guys, except of course that one person would not have anyone to play with. There had been James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter in the marauders. _The Four Marauders._ James, Sirius and Remus never gave a thorough thought to where Peter was or what he was doing. James had always suggested that he was probably working for the Ministry, and while Sirius thought he was probably living the basement of his parent's home. Of course Remus gave it more thought, suggesting he worked for the Dark Lord. 'He was always a bit interested in the Dark Arts, don't you think' occasionally came from his mouth explaining the reason for his theory.

Of course Sirius would fight back 'So was Snape' and which Remus would remind him that Snape was a Death Eater, or at least that's what they all comprehended him to be. Peter was a tag along, Remus and Sirius didn't like him much. Of course James thought to at least give him a chance.

"Ah well anyone want to go drinking?" asked Sirius.

"How about we stay in tonight, I think you've had enough to drink," said Remus propping open a book once again.

"I told you I haven't been drinking!" he shrieked.

"You know I wonder exactly what goes into those butterbeers; I mean did you see him? Five of them in ten minutes, Sirius you're going down on the wrong path," Remus laughed.

"So how much longer are you guys planning to stay here?" asked James.

"Oh I'm not sure! How about until the little lad can drink?" Sirius promptly answered.

"Swell," James answered with a slight tone of sarcasm in his voice. It didn't matter how much fun he was having with his friends, his mind couldn't steer away from Wormtail and what exactly he was up to.


	5. Testy Women and Stupid Men

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.

**Chapter 5**

Groggy, Lily climbed out of bed. Accompanied with a towel she sped down the stairs to make sure Remus and Sirius were all right. They had been making bit of noise the night before, even though Lily knew it was all Sirius. Sirius was the loveable weirdo. She smiled and walked back up the stairs. James was still sleeping in the bed, resembling a rock.

She lay back down staring back at his face. She was instantly reminded of how she was deeply agitated by him during their Hogwarts years, but Lily had come to her senses much later than sooner. She had realized that James was a man who deeply cared for her, rather than an arrogant Quidditch player. Well she has realized that after he had lowered his ego a bit.

Lily let out a yawn awaking James. He rolled over staring at Lily with a slight grin on his face. "Hullo," he croaked.

Lily smiled back and answered, "Hello dear, what's with waking up so late?"

"Er Lily it's only eight," he replied throwing the silk pillow over his head.

"Ah of course considering the three of you last night, I mean really how you guys stay up that late?"

"Dunno, make breakfast yet?" he asked patting his stomach.

"Sure thing, I mean just because I'm a woman that means I have to make breakfast huh? Right? And just because I'm a woman I'm the one who has to carry the baby!" Lily retorted.

James lifted the pillow from his face and raised his eyebrow at her. "Well the last time I tried to cook I set the stove on fire, and well the baby thing I can't change that. If I could I would carry that baby-"

"Oh no, don't you dare give me that speech about how if you could you'd carry the baby, because you bloody well know that you wouldn't!" screamed Lily. James looked down at his palms as he buried his face into them. _Must be some pregnancy thing, _he thought to himself. Lily has stormed out of the room and down the creaky stairs.

After a few silent moments thinking to himself Remus and Sirius walked into the room. Sirius had a red patches all over his face, while Remus was trying to fix his hair which was untidy and sticking up in all place resembling James's hair. "What the bloody-?" James tried to ask.

"Lily, she…she tried-," panted Remus.

"Your wife is a mad woman! She needs help, and you think I have problems?" replied Sirius.

"Well what do you mean? Yeah she is pregnant, you know she might get a little testy at times," James said defending his wife.

"Testy?! She's not testy, she's mental!" screamed Sirius rubbing his cheek was as red as Lily's hair.

"Erm well what happened?" asked James afraid to hear what Lily had done in a minimal five minutes.

"Well Remus and I were just goofing off," started Sirius.

"How much were you goofing off?" asked James.

"It was all him!" shouted Remus making sure that he wouldn't be blamed.

"Well maybe we broke a few vases, and a couple of plates. Perhaps a grandfather clock," added Sirius.

"Well no wonder that was Lily's great grandfathers!" screeched James.

"Ah well she could just buy a new one," continued Sirius as James rolled his eyes, " and then she started screaming at us. She called us prats and gits. She was throwing things at us, sharp and heavy things. When that wasn't working she beat me with a pillow and tried to rip out Moony's hair." James was a bit taken back, for it didn't sound like something Lily would do.

"Well sorry? I don't know what exactly to do with Lily right now. I mean this morning she was smiling at me and the next thing she was screaming at me!"

"Women can't live with them, and without them well it'd be pretty boring although to Moony it wouldn't be much of a difference," said Sirius.

"Hey, ladies like me as much as they like you! Maybe even more," Remus grimly replied.

"You're not fooling anyone," quickly added Sirius.

"C'mon maybe she'll be in a better mood, and I thought maybe we go visit Wormtail today," James suggested slipping on a pair of navy blue slippers.

"And we'd do that why?" asked Sirius.

"C'mon let's just go." James led the three down the stairs and as they approached the kitchen they stopped. Lily was fussing over the paper with tears streaming down her face. Sirius insensitively snatched the toast from her plate along with the _Daily Prophet_. James hurried over to her and put his arm around her and asked, "What's wrong Lily?"

She held back tears as she tried to wipe the current ones on her face, "Him. He's killing more people, James! James I'm scared. What if he comes after our baby?" Lily let out a sob as James rubbed her back.

"Lily, don't worry it'll be alright. Plenty of people have babies here in Godric's Hollow and they're healthy and fine," James consoled her.

"Oh seriously James, think about it! You were so horrible to Severus and if he's really a Death Eater, well maybe he could tell you know who. You-Know-Who could target us!" shrieked Lily.

"There are a few flaws in that theory, dear. How would Snivellus, I mean Severus know that you were pregnant, and why would Vold- I mean You-Know-Who care about his sorrows and how much he hated us?"

"Oh James, I'm just so worried, I just want this baby to have the best life that it can have!" she cried.

"Yeah the baby will especially with me as the uncle!" exclaimed Sirius.

"Sirius you're not the uncle!" shouted Remus.

Listening to the shouting match between Remus and Sirius and the sobs of Lily James started to think about his life. He'd be a father. He kept repeating this over in his head before finally realizing the true meaning of it. He'd be along with Lily responsible for a baby. A human. He could barely take care of himself without Lily. He knew without a doubt Lily would be a great mother, the best mother a child could ever ask for.

"James, James, are you crying?" asked Sirius as he gave a confused look James way.

"What? I um er I have something in my eye! God Lily don't you ever clean this place!" James hadn't thought about he said until Lily had started screaming at him. James had been more considered in keeping his macho status.

Without a word Lily made her way up the stairs silently crying. "She's a woman, she'll get over it. They're into all that emotional junk," Sirius added shoving another piece of toast into his mouth.

"You know I still don't see why women are attracted to you, you're so prejudice against them," Remus said.

"I'm so not prejudice against women! Just a couple of weeks ago I went out with a woman with such bushy eyebrows her eyes looked like two fuzzy sweaters," Sirius added.

"Oh god, come on let's just go. I'll leave Lily a note," suggested James.

As James scribbled on a piece of parchment that he along with Sirius and Remus would be out, they had started yelling each other again. "Just because you're not getting any, Remus doesn't mean you have to pick on me about my girls I go out with," Sirius said.

"And just because I'm not a manwhore doesn't mean I don't get any," Remus added. James let out a laugh but quickly seized his mouth shot as Remus shot a look at him.

"Er, I think we should go," James said.

"You know Moony I'll still always love you and your virginess and how much you envy my manliness and how much women fuss over how beautiful me and how I'm the greatest guy-"

"Shut up Sirius."

**Er, well I hope you like it? Review and tell me what you think!! **


	6. Wormtail and Deadly Tea

Disclaimer- I don't Harry Potter!

Authors Note: Yeahh so I haven't written in a while, sorry! But tonight I had this sudden urge to write so I've written loads. I'll try and add two more chapters later today, but since I'll be busy most of the weekend, I might not get to it. But still review and I'll be very very happy!

Chapter Six

James, his fist clenched as he closely held his wand under his black robe. "How exactly do you know where Wormtail lives or at least where he is?" asked Remus.

"A friend from a friend from another friend "answered Sirius.

"No really, how?" asked Remus.

"Lily sent him a letter a little while back, and well yeah," responded James.

"Well what if he's with a bunch of Death Eaters? I don't want to die!" screeched Remus.

"Oh right, like they're all huddled in his little dump of a house. Plus he was probably to scared to ever go with You-Know-Who," answered James calmly.

"Er yeah okay. Why is he living in this muggle place anyway? I thought he couldn't stand muggles, I mean some of them are actually hot!" Sirius exclaimed as he brushed back his hair.

"Whatever that really doesn't matter, what does is seeing him. We need to know what he is up to," James added looking around the corner of the street.

"What makes you think he is up to something?" asked Remus.

"Nothing, really well I mean why doesn't he keep in touch? He hasn't sent a letter or came to visit since the wedding. It was Lily who had to write him and all he responded back was 'I'm fine and I hope all is well also'. It's a bit odd as he usually confided in Lily, " James suddenly said.

Everything went silent for a while as they walked down the cobblestone street, avoiding the looks muggles shot at them. They obviously didn't blend in with their robes. They passed shops and homes all in grey stone with gleaming green gardens before they finally reached what they believed to be Wormtail's house. "Well who wants to knock?" asked Remus. Nobody moved nor said anything. "Fine I'll do it, just have your wands in case you know something happens," Remus said with a very worried look on his face.

Loud bangs and noises came from inside the house as the three stood there. They all exchanged looks seconds before the oak door swung open and there stood Wormtail. He was much bigger than they had seen him last. His stringy lingered over his dirty muggle clothes. His fingernails were yellow and long. "Um hello, what are you doing here?" asked Wormtail.

"Why we came here to visit our dear pal Wormy!" Sirius said swinging an arm around him in disgust, hoping to ease the tension in the air.

"Um well come in, I'll make some tea. Please do excuse the condition of which this house is in," said Wormtail with unease in his voice. They all trailed behind him and horror struck their faces as they stepped over the mess in the one room floor. The kitchen, the living room, and the bathroom were all clobbered into one room. With a curtain draping over the bathroom for a privacy. There was a ripped up olive couch with stains all over it. The coffee table seemed to be taped together with sticky substances all over it. Papers were all scattered over the floor and dead rodents could be found in the corner. Wormtail soon came back with a rusty tray with four cups of tea.

"You really let yourself go Wormtail," James said examining the tea to make sure it was safe to drink. Unconvinced he set the cup down and directed his attention to Wormtail.

Wormtail gave a sour look toward James, and spoke "Maybe a little. I was sacked from the Ministry a while back and I haven't been successful in finding a job."

James did not entirely believe what Wormtail was feeding him. "You worked for the Ministry?" asked Sirius not drinking the tea either. Remus had given up on it the moment it was served to him. "You said you'd never be caught dead working there!"

"Well I was only twelve-"

"Try seventeen,"

"Okay well I was desperate. I needed some money," Wormtail shot back. "Besides why are you even here, not to be rude or anything." His lip curled at the last of his sentence.

"Just to er see you," James lied. They were indeed checking up on him and by the looks of it he was doing worse than they had expected. "We haven't seen you since the wedding,"

"Yeah well I've been busy,"

"Yeah Wormy you look real busy, how come you haven't sent us letters or anything? I mean if you have you would of known Lily was pregnant," Sirius said without a care.

"Sirius!" shouted James with fright in his voice. The last thing he wanted Wormtail to know was that his wife was pregnant. If Wormtail was indeed in cahoots with Voldemort there would be a bigger chance of Voldemort coming after the baby.

"Pregnant is she?" asked Wormtail with a grin on his face.

"Yeah, yeah she is. Why do you seem to care so much about my wife being pregnant?" said James irritated.

"Hey listen you came to visit me!" Wormtail shouted back as he muttered the word 'coward' under his breath.

"Heard from Snape lately?" asked Sirius unaware that he was giving away their prediction of him being associated with Voldemort.

"No, you?" he said smiling.

"Nope," Sirius retorted.

Before Remus could jump in saying something to calm the situation Wormtail clenched onto his arm. He kept it well hidden under his clothes not showing any wrist. They all looked at each other in suspicion. The thought that Wormtail could possibly have the Dark Mark crossed James mind.. There was suddenly a loud erupting from the kitchen area, along with loads of smoke. Nothing was visible. "Out! Get the hell out now!" screamed Wormtail. Without questioning they all scattered into the muggle street.

Panting and wiping sweat from his forehead, James said, "Apparate to…home now. Hurry!"

**So I know this didn't have much humor in this, but I swear the next one will. I kind of needed to have this be serious. Well still review and the next chapter will hopefully be up soon! **


	7. Fat Wrists and Manwhores

Disclaimer- I do not own Harry Potter.

Author's Note- Sorry for not updating for a while, I've been busy. But now I'm going to try and update every other day. I want to finish this story before school starts. Anyways read and review, plus enjoy! Sorry if there are any grammar or spelling mistakes.

**Chapter 7**

"Do I look fat?" asked a voice from the next room. James looked up from his porridge, thinking it was Lily.

Afraid of what to say he looked at Remus. Whatever he usually said to Lily made her freak out and go ballistic on him. "No Lily, just because you're two months pregnant doesn't mean your fat," he answered pleased with himself. There was no possible way she could be mad at him for assuring her that she wasn't getting big even if in reality she was.

Little did James know that Lily was indeed standing in the doorway as he said that. "Fat?! Now I'm fat? Look at you James, you don't exactly have a gorgeous body like you used to when you played Quidditch!" screamed Lily from behind him.

"You thought I had a gorgeous body?" asked James with his eyebrow raised at her comment.

"Urgh no? Whatever James everyone thought you did, but not anymore you pig!" She stormed out of the room hitting Sirius on her way out.

"Sirius! It was you, you're the reason Lily gets all 'hippies without their drugs on me!" James exclaimed getting ready to seriously injure him.

"Dude, sorry but look at me I'm almost as big as um her! Look at my wrists, look at them! They're huge, like yours! Do you think it's easy to maintain this sexiness all the time? Do you huh?" shouted Sirius. James and Remus looked his way with astonishment in their eyes.

"Is that all you care about, your looks?" asked Remus.

"Well it's all have, since I'm not as bright or geeky as you two. But hey I'm not complaining,"

"Um yes you are," answered James.

"Whatever I'm going to go jog, I'm ashamed of these wrists," replied Sirius shaking his head disapprovingly over his wrists. They all exchanged looks as Sirius dashed out of the kitchen.

They spent most of the afternoon reading or playing Wizarding Chess awaiting Sirius's return. "It's been four bloody hours, where the hell is he?" asked Remus as he watched James's pieces on the board conquer his own.

"Dunno. Maybe he was really serious about his wrists, but I'm not fat am I?" asked James looking down at himself.

"Oh no don't drag me into this. Geez James you're sounding pregnant," answered Remus.

"Eh whatever, so guess what I was reading in the Daily Prophet this morning?" asked James. Remus motioned for him to continue. "Well in Ireland, I believe-"

"Holy fudgy popsicles of Merlin's beards eating chocolate covered doughnuts in England while talking to my best friend's imaginary elephant who takes tap dancing lessons in a fluffy pink tutu on Saturdays every-" Sirius shouted.

"Shut up, what the hell happened to you?" Remus asked at once ditching the game of Wizarding Chess he was deeply losing to James.

"Yeah you can't have been seriously jogging for four hours,"

"I wasn't I met a girl, a beautiful one," Sirius said trying to catch his breath.

"Yeah so you've met plenty of beautiful girls, you even dug Remus's mum!" James replied.

"Please, please don't bring that up. He even sang that song which made it one billion times worse,"

"Moony's mom has got it going on, she's all-"James sung in a horrible voice as Remus shuddered.

"Hey back to me, anyway we sat in each other's arm snogging a long time I might add. And a after a while she asked me to loosen her-" Sirius started his eyes glittering.

"If you don't mind me ending this pervert fest I thought James and I could talk alone," Lily interrupted with a look of disgust on her face.

"Anything you can say to James you can say to us," Sirius retorted.

"No, no she can't Sirius," James insisted. There were a few things about him and Lily that Sirius didn't have to know. "What is it dear?"

"I thought maybe we could think of names for the baby," Lily suggested with a piece of parchment and a quill in her hand.

"Sure, come sit down," he smiled pushing Remus away. A little resentful he scooted over making room for Lily. "Now since it is going to be a boy we ought to think of a really cool name for him,"

"Him? Why him? Why can't it be a girl?" asked Lily with a tone of disappointment in her voice. "We could name her something pretty like Rose or Violet,"

"What is with you and flowers, woman? Might as well call her Sunflower or Toadfrog,"

"Where the hell did you get Toadfrog from?" asked Remus.

"Dunno, it's what I used to call my mum," Sirius answered.

"Um well yeah so you can a girl that if you want but I'm more concerned about a boy," James said. Lily frowned and jot down a few words on the parchment.

"I know the perfect name, Sirius Jr.!" shouted Sirius nearly falling off his chair.

"Sirius? Hm I don't think so, sorry," Lily quickly answered.

"Good decision, name him Sirius and he'll probably turn out to be a manwhore just like him," Remus stated pointing towards Sirius.

Sirius's face turned red as he retorted, "Fine then name him after James and he'll turn out to be all nerdy. He'll probably have black hair and your green eyes Lily!"

"What about Harry?" Remus bluntly suggested.

"I like it. _Harry Potter_," Lily started, "has a nice ring to it don't you think?"

"You know I do like it. He'll carry on the Potter name and he'll be some famous wizard someday and he'll thank me for it!" The words James had said to anyone would seem so usual, not out of the ordinary, except to muggles. Like most other wizard fathers he thought that his son would grow up to be a famous wizard, but little did James know that indeed his son would be quite famous and carry on his name for everyone to know.

"Ok it's settled if it's a boy his name will be Harry," announced James.

"What about a girl?" Lily asked a bit annoyed at James's arrogance.

"Oh yeah about that you can name her Lily since she's your kind," James answered as Lily questioningly mouthed 'my kind'.

"Well I still think you should name him Sirius!" shouted Sirius with his arms folded.

"We don't need anymore manwhores!" shouted Remus.

"Well we don't need anymore damn virgin bookworms," Sirius retorted.

Lily raised her eyebrow at them and stepped into the conversation saying, "You know I'm glad not to be _your kind_."

**Ok so I hope you liked it? Please review and tell me what you really think. Plus I'm welcoming ideas for parts of this story, so review with yours. **


	8. Scary Clerks and Weird Drinks

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.

Author's Note: So I've gotten a few reviews asking about Peter and why Voldemort was even in the story. Well at this point of course Voldemort hadn't heard the prophecy yet, Lily was just paranoid and worried about her baby like every other mother does. Voldemort didn't appear at Peter's because James, Sirius, and Remus were there. He came because Peter was his spy. Also I didn't forget about him. He will come up again in the story. Hope that cleared some of the confusion up? If not feel free to message me and I'll try my best!

ZOOMG on Friday it was Rupert Grint's birthday. Sorry I'm just a tad bit obsessed. If only he was five or six years younger. (:

**Chapter Eight**

"What do women like as presents anyway?" asked James biting his top lip as he paced up and down the isle.

"I think Lily would like it if you-"

"Sirius if this has anything to do with Lily and James and sexual stuff then please don't continue," Remus interrupted.

"Remus, you need to take a chill pill and possibly get a girl," Sirius muttered. Remus shot a nasty look at him and then turned to James.

"What did you get Lily last year for Christmas, and why are we in a muggle store?" he asked.

"A toothbrush and I don't know. I mean she was raised by muggles so she grew up around this stuff," James responded.

"A toothbrush? You only gave her a toothbrush?" asked Remus shocked.

"And a baby," laughed Sirius.

"That wasn't even funny Sirius, you dipstick. Well what about the years she didn't loathe you, what did you get her?" asked Remus.

"Toothbrushes."

"James who the hell gives only toothbrushes as Christmas presents?!" Remus shouted attracting attention from the surrounding muggles.

"Obviously he does, you should give her what I usually give to girls-"

"Sirius, you need counseling. Sexual Addicts Anonymous would be a good choice for you," Remus retorted.

"I wonder if they have a service where you can order women for the desperate,"

"Shut up both of you, and help me find a present for Lily," James said.

After realizing the feminine products were not Christmas decorations and batteries were not supposed to be shoved up your nose they decided to ask a clerk for help. "I don't wanna ask him. He looks like he has a knife on him or something," Remus whispered unaware he was inches away from the boy who could hear everything he was saying.

"Well I don't want to either. He has black stuff on his nails!" Sirius exclaimed.

"Well maybe he has a disease," suggested James.

"That requires him to paint his nails black?" asked Remus with fright on his face.

"I'll go you wimps. I'm a man!" shouted Sirius. Sirius waltzed up to the sixteen year old whom was wearing black nail polish and a heavy mound of eyeliner around his eyes. He looked angry and was muttering under his breath. He reminded Sirius of Snape. "Um dude I need help," he said poking the clerk.

The clerk quickly turned to him with an angry look on his face, and asked "What do you want?"

"Um uh,"

"What the hell do you want?" he asked a bit more annoyed.

"Um,"

"Yes?" The clerk started clenching his fists in anger.

"Ah! Please don't kill me, I'm beautiful. Take one of the ugly ones!" Sirius shouted as he started to run. Remus and James quickly followed trampling over the mess Sirius left behind.

They soon found themselves in the corner of the perfume isle all heavily panting. "What the hell Sirius? He's a freaking muggle, he's not dangerous," James barely said.

"You get close to him and let's see how long you last. He's a dangerous, a very dangerous muggle," Sirius tried to explain breathing harder and harder.

"Oh come on, he's going through a phase like you did when you were sixteen. Remember you wore bows in your hair for three months," Remus reminded him.

"Please don't bring that up, but still he was scary. C'mon I'm thirsty let's find something to drink," Sirius said.

James looked towards the immense bottles of perfume neatly aligned on the wall, and said "What about those? They look good, and see this one says Fruit Passion so it must good."

"You think so?" Remus asked.

"Why not? Here take one," Sirius said throwing one each their way.

"Why is it a spray bottle?" asked Remus.

"It's probably French, you know them being all proper," Sirius said looking at each of them. "Okay on the count of three. One…two…three." They all seized the bottles and squirted them into their mouths.

"Bloody hell!" shouted James who was curled up on the floor.

"What the-I think I'm going to die!" Remus shouted being a bit overdramatic.

"Hm, tasty so should we get this for Lily?" Sirius asked.

**I hope you liked it and yeah review. The next chapter should be up soon. I'm going to try and write lots and lots before school starts. **


	9. Pleasurable Styrofoam and Glitter

Disclaimer: I obviously don't Harry Potter if I'm here listening to Switchfoot and writing fanfiction. In other words I don't own Harry I just love him.

Authors Note: Well I haven't updated in a while, sorry about that. I've considered quitting this story, but I decided I'll finish it no matter what (or ill try). Anyways please review and tell me what you think!

**Chapter Nine**

The sweet smell of peppermint invaded the small home on the morning of the Christmas. Bright red and green decorations were draped over every corner of the house. Lily turned on her side inhaling the sweet smell as she huddled under the blankets. Maybe she could sneak a few more minutes of sleep before the three men; well children really, awoke her. She squeezed her emerald eyes as tightly as she could enjoy the last silences of the day.

"Lils?" asked James as he stroked her hair.

Lily immediately turned around, not caring if she had wasted her last non-hectic moments of the day with James. She smiled and replied, "Yes?"

"Merry Christmas," he softly spoke.

"Merry Christmas to you too," she gently answered leaning in to kiss him. As the sensation of how much she loved him filled her from a simple kiss a loud roaring scream came from outside the door. Lily instantly bounded from her position next to James and made her way to the door. The thought of Sirius hexing Remus came across her mind and would not leave. Sirius was known for his past hexes in which some were a bit difficult to reverse. "James! Get your arse out of bed and come see what happened,"

"Oh Lily it's nothing big. It's probably just Sirius screaming about his presents he got from _Santa,_" he laughed.

"Ok alright, alright. But I'm not going to be the one to clean up the mess those two leave behind." She quickly stepped, almost waltzed right back onto the bed settling herself into James's muscular arms. He kissed her forehead as he just gazed at her, grinning ear to ear.

"I love you, Lily Potter," he whispered in her ear putting emphasis on the Potter. "I can remember when I told you we'd get married and you blasted me across the Gryffindor Common Room," he laughed reminding Lily of their once rivalry.

"Well, uh," Lily tried to argue but couldn't think of the words to say. Of course she loved James, even if she used to think of him as a pompous, loathsome, cruel prat.

He hushed her with a little peck on her lips and as their kissed evolved into more of a snog session the door flung open. James violently whipped the covers over him and yelled, "Bloody hell, Sirius! You could have knocked!" Sirius stood in a full fledged green and red jumper with a quite stupid hat sitting on his head. It much resembled a dunce cap that he and the marauders had forced Snivelly to wear.

"I would of, but who would want to miss what you two may have been doing," he violently laughed smirking.

"Sirius, sometimes you can be so perverted," commented Remus.

"Why thank you, Moony."

"Well what do you want?" snapped Lily angered.

"Don't get your knickers in a knot, Miss I'm-All-Pregnant." Sirius approached the bed and sat at the edge twirling a piece of garland around his fingers. "It's Christmas, it's Christmas," he sang. It was quite obvious to everyone and anyone that Sirius was tone deaf. "No get your fat butts up and come downstairs and see what Santa left us this year! I've been a good boy!" Sirius let out another childish squeal before he rushed down the stairs like he was running for his life.

Sirius tore through the many layers of wrapping paper as though it were a race between him and the clock. As he approached a sleek shiny gold one that was in the shape of a cube his eyes lit up. "Lily it says it's from you!"

"Yeah, well I guess I'm kind of obligated into getting you a present," Lily answered uneasily as she sipped the foam from the top of her hot chocolate.

James put her hand over her shoulder and motioned for Sirius to go and open it. "It's from me too,"

"No it isn't, James. I spent my time getting it, while you were out doing God knows what," he corrected him.

"Well whatever, just open it Sirius!"

"Alright, alright," he said trying to get them to be quiet. He tore the wrapping viciously and threw it across the room as hit Remus who then spilt the hot chocolate all over himself.

His face few bright red, resembling a tomato, and roared, "Sirius!" He looked like he was on the verge of seriously hurting Sirius.

"Lily, what the hell is this?" he bluntly asked ignoring Remus's angered voice that was still carrying on. In Sirius's hand was dangling a bright yellow book with a latch that could be locked.

"It's a planner, of course. I don't know how you live without one. You can record future events or things you need to do. It will remind you until you do whatever you need to do until you do it, plus it will also remind you a day before an event. Isn't it perfect?" Lily explained looking satisfied with herself.

"This, this right here, this ugly yellow book that already sounds like another Remus is my bloody Christmas present?!" he roared.

"I thought, I thought you'd like it," she stammered burying herself into James's chest letting, starting to cry. James awkwardly patted her back as he shot a nasty look Sirius's way telling him to apologize.

"Uh, Lily," Sirius started hoping somehow the words to calm her down would come to him, "it's great, really. Come to think of it, I could use to mark down some of the appointments I have with girls!" Sirius quickly stood up from his position on the floor, jumping happily. His flailing arms and strange legs movements could have been easily confused with him having a seizure. He approached Lily who had unlatched herself from James's arms, and was now quietly sniffling. Sirius smacked her back, laughing. "Thanks Lils!"

"Er, you're welcome?" she stammered not knowing how to respond. She hadn't intended for Sirius to use for his women purposes, but it would work she hoped. She pulled her hair back behind her ears examining the presents that still were under the tree. "Just imagine," she started cupping James's hand into hers, "someone else will be here with us." James simply smiled at the fact indeed next year they'd have their baby with them at this time of the year. He'd be ripping open his mountain presents or at least attempting too. Remus grinned as the room began silent of the thought.

"Who?" Sirius practically shouted his mouth full of chocolate. He threw one at Remus and continued on, "Oi! I know, I know!"

"It's pretty obvious, with Lily being pregnant and all-"Remus started irritated at how Sirius could be so ignorant at times.

"Holy Merlin! Santa, he's coming next year! I knew it, I just knew that if I shorted my list of women by two he'd approve. I can't wait! Santa is coming next year. Santa!" chanted Sirius who was wildly hopping around the living room.

"The baby, Sirius! The baby will be here with us next Christmas, you twit," James corrected him,

"Oh well that's no fun. Now honestly would you rather have Santa or some smelly baby?" Sirius asked gloomily.

Lily, obviously offended, retorted, "Well, I think I've had enough. I'm going upstairs." She sat her mug down as she started to stand from her position on the sofa.

James quickly grasped her arm and quickly said in hopes to make her stay, "Wait Lily, open your present at least."

"Fine." She crossed her arms across her chest with an angered look on her face. James motioned for Remus to retrieve the poorly wrapped present that sat under the tree. It was quite different from the many different nicely wrapped ones. Portions of burgundy paper were taped all over the present, along with several bits of macaroni and ribbons. It was smothered in glue and mounds of glitter had been pasted on it. It was quite a work of art. Remus stifled a laugh as he handed Lily the present, as she sat there in horror. "Um James?"

"Yes, my dear?" he asked quite proud of himself.

"Did you have er, troubling wrapping this?" she questioned hoping that maybe Sirius had done it instead of him.

"Oh no not all, it was quite easy really. If I do say so myself I have some hidden talent for art," he replied feeling pleased with his wrapping job.

"Oh I'm sure you do," she giggled patting his hand. She wasn't quite sure how to open it. Glitter was already all over her clothes and the macaroni had fallen on the floor from not being properly glued. She ripped the fragments of paper from the box in a slow manner. She had to be sure that nothing flew out of it.

"Hurry up! I can take woman's clothes off faster than this," Sirius said as though it was a great accomplishment.

"Well isn't that nice. If they ever add taking off women's clothes off to the Olympics, you'd be a shoe in!" Remus replied as matter-of-factly.

"You're right, I would do great. Hey Lily could I practice on you?"

"Sirius!" she shouted back in disgust.

"Alright, alright. I'm sure James has already tried his taking off clothes skills on you," he muttered.

"Sirius!" James shouted his face growing redder by the second. "Come on Lils, open it." He elbowed Lily softly hoping that'd she like her present

She ripped the few last pieces of the box and in her hands was a pale green cardboard box. She softly shook it for a slight clue to what it was. Lily tore the piece of tape that was stuck to the top of the box so the flap wouldn't open. Curiously, she opened the box, pulling a thing of Styrofoam. It was obviously protecting something breakable.

"Styrofoam! The next best pleasure to a woman!" shouted Sirius is serious contentment.

"I don't even want to know what you do alone with Styrofoam," muttered Remus with a slight tone of jealous in his voice.

Lily with a look of bewilderment took the Styrofoam and pulled it apart. She threw it to Sirius who had a mischievous grin plastered on his face. In her hands was a curved bottle that had a glint of pink and orange. She twiddled it around in her hands looking it over. On the front in white letters were the words "Fruit Passion". She sighed and began, "Er thanks."

"Do you like it?" asked James.

"Oh yes of course," she lied. Lily was never the one to wear perfume, in fact she wasn't particularly fond of makeup and perfume; all that stuff. She could have quite easily pretended to love it, but it was quite hard when it was the revolting smell of Fruit Passion.

"I recommended not drinking it though," suggested Sirius hugging the Styrofoam close to his chest.

"Drinking it?" she asked in utter confusion.

"Yeah James told us to drink it like it was a butterbeer of something," answered Remus who still seemed upset about their little escapade at the muggle store.

"James even if you were raised wizards you should have enough common sense, when it clearly states not to," she replied holding back a fit of giggles. Her pale finger pointed to where it said "Not intended for human consumption".

"Well what the hell is human consumption?" asked a confused James.

"You don't know what that means? Are you serious?" asked an astounded Lily.

"No I'm James," he corrected her.

"James, please grow up. It's not all that hard to be serious," she replied.

"Are you kidding me? It is to hard to be me, do you think it's just sunshine and daisies to maintain all this sexiness?" Sirius shouted.

"No Sirius I mean I think James should act a bit more serious," she responded.

"But how can he act like me? I'm sexy and he's well let's just not go there!"

"Hey I am too sexy! Lily even says I'm sexy, isn't that right?" James asked turning his head to Lily who's face was as red as her hair.

"Oh Merlin," muttered Remus.

"Sirius please stop doing this, you know acting a bit more serious wouldn't hurt you either."

"But I am Sirius!" shrieked Sirius.

"You're the farthest thing from serious," Lily replied.

"Are you saying that I'm saying some booky, virgin, weirdo with no life? Oh Merlin, are you saying I'm a Remus?" asked a very worried Sirius.

"Hey, what exactly gives you the impression I'm a virgin?!" shouted Remus.

"Well it doesn't take a genius to figure that one out," laughed James.

"For all you know I could be holding orgies in my room every night!" protested Remus.

"Oh please Remus," Sirius stated.

"Well excuse me if I think that sleeping with a woman should be special, rather than a sport!"

"You should have just stuck to a toothbrush," commented Lily as she quietly exited the living room leaving behind the so-called Christmas festivities.

**Please review and tell me what you think. Also I've been debating on ideas on some events for the stories, but you r ideas are the best things I could ask for. So tell me what you have in mind! Free cookies for those who review. **


	10. Dangerously Sexy

Disclaimer- I don't own Harry Potter.

Author's Note: 40 reviews! That might not seem a lot, but I don't know but to me it does. So thanks a lot for all your reviews! Anyways enjoy and review. Oh yeah I don't know if this was important but by now it's January, obviously this story will end in July.

**Chapter Ten**

"I'm bored," groaned Sirius running his fingers through his hair.

"Then find something to do," suggested Remus who was yet again engrossed in a book.

"But there are no women around!" he shrieked back in defense.

Almost immediately Remus slammed the book shut and retorted, "Honestly Sirius what is with you and women? Is that you think about?"

"Well more than just women themselves. There's that whole factor of them being all-"

"No, don't continue please. Don't you have any other interests or hobbies?" Remus asked.

"Anything that doesn't involve women?" questioned Sirius wanting clarification.

"Yes are you interested in anything other than women, or sleeping with them or even staring at them?" Remus asked.

"What about thinking about them?"

"Sirius! Nothing to do with women, alright?" Remus reminded him.

"Fine okay, Remus. Let me think," Sirius responded lightly tapping his finger on his chin while he pondered the thought. "Well, wait no."

"Honestly, nothing?" Remus asked dumbfounded although he knew there was nothing to be shocked about. Sirius was always known for the girls he went out with and his looks, nothing much more.

"Nope nothing, other than hanging out with you guys, but then again we always talk about women."

"You quite hopeless, Sirius. You are in desperate need of something to do other than women," Remus suggested.

"You know, why is it me that has the problem?" asked Sirius in resentment.

"Huh?"

"You heard me! No I've had enough of this!"

"Had enough of what? Sirius what are you doing?" asked Remus becoming worried.

Sirius was now walking around the chair Remus was sitting in as though he seemed to be taking notes of Sirius. "Oh nothing," he grinned and continued on his little observation.

By the second Remus was becoming more afraid and practically jumped from his position on the chair. Panting he gasped, "What?" Remus glanced behind him to see if something was ready to pounce and kill him.

Sirius simply laughed and answered, "You know I have an idea."

"The last time you had an idea I ended up in bed your cousin, Nymphadora. I will not let it happen again, she's so young and I'm so old and-"

"Shut up and listen to what I think we should do," Sirius calmly replied.

"We're not doing anything together! I'm not gay!"

"Don't even say that Remus! I could never give up women and their-"

"Sirius," Remus started becoming impatient.

"We should, James and I, take you out tonight and get you a girl!" Sirius shrieked like a little school girl.

"What?" Remus stuttered.

"Yeah you heard me, I'm sick of these manwhore jokes. We're going to get you a girl tonight and you're going to be so thankful for it, trust me." As the last word trailed off Sirius's tongue Remus had turn into a statue, not moving a muscle. "Oh trust me, Moony." Sirius thudded his back and skipped off into the next room leaving Remus still in his state of shock. How could he oppose to it? Secretly he'd love to have a relationship like Lily and James's, but he knew he couldn't. If only full moons would wait another hundred years to reappear rather than once every month.

"Are you serious?" asked James who was slowly eating the porridge Lily had made him.

"Oh please let's not start this conversation again," pleaded Sirius.

"No, I mean are you sincere about this little plan?" he asked again hoping Sirius would understand.

"Oh yeah of course, I'm sick of Remus being all depressed. He needs a girl to cheer him up!"

"I don't know if he'll go for it though, Sirius. He's a bit insecure about women," James reminded him.

"Well he won't be tonight. We'll get Lily to tell us what girls like and then he'll be like me!" Sirius proudly stated. "Oh wait okay maybe not just like me. That would just be scary," Sirius confirmed.

"Whatever you say, Padfoot."

"So where is Lily at?" asked a curious Sirius.

"Dunno, upstairs I suppose."

"You don't know?! What's wrong with you?"

"What's wrong with _you_? Geez, I think she's taking a nap," James responded taking another spoonful of porridge.

"Oh well we need to wake her and get her input on Remus,"

"No way, I've learned my lesson on waking up pregnant women," James clearly stated holding out his arms showing off the bruises that were scattered across them.

"What did she do to you?"

"Oh she threw some stuff, although I'm not sure why she didn't just hex me," James answered still wondering why Lily just didn't whip out her wand and hex him into oblivion.

"A little anger management wouldn't hurt," Sirius laughed.

"But I like her when she's angry, she's so-"

"Not you too, James!" screeched Remus from the doorway.

"Huh?"

"You're turning out to be just as perverted as Sirius," he sighed taking a seat beside James.

"Hey I'm married, I can think of her anyways I want, I hope. Anyways I hear we'll be taking you out tonight," chuckled James.

"No I'm not doing it," Remus said firmly hoping it would somehow persuade them to drop the issue.

"Oh yes you are," Sirius assured him.

"Bloody hell! I'm too dangerous for any woman!" Remus cried.

"Please stop saying that," James replied irritated at how Remus always used that as an excuse.

"But I am!" he protested.

"Hey I'm dangerous to women too, but you don't see me hiding from them," Sirius tried to reassure him.

"How in the hell are you dangerous to them?" asked Remus quite confused. After a few moments of laying out the ideas of how and why he finally spoke again, "Oh Merlin, did you rape a girl? I knew this was going to happen! I should of seen the signs, oh my-"

"Remus! No I didn't rape any girls. I'm just so dangerously sexy," Sirius said confident sticking his chest out.

"Oh, Merlin."

"Now listen here, Remus. When Lily wakes up she can help us get you ready and then we'll take you to the Three Broomsticks. There ought to be plenty of attractive witches there," James replied with a smile.

"Fine, I don't what I'm getting myself into, but fine. But if I end in bed with anyone that is nearly thirteen years younger than me there will be hell to pay," Remus grimly replied.

**I'm sorry to leave it on a cliffhanger, but I couldn't fit it all in one chapter. There might not be a lot of humor in this one, but the next one will have lots. This is just a filler chapter, so yeah sorry. Tonks and Remus didn't do anything so don't worry (: . Review!**


	11. Setting Women On Fire Troubles

Disclaimer- I don't own Harry Potter!

Disclaimer- I don't own HP. (Dang these get annoying!)

Author's Note- I'm super sorry that I haven't updated for more than a month, homework sucks. Anyways I have the next couple of chapters planned out so they should most definitely be out later this week. I'm trying to improve all of updating habits, so be patient with my procrastination. **Review!**

**Chapter Eleven**

Remus rocked uneasily in the wooden chair with worried look on his face. His arms were wrapped around him, like a human straight-jacket. He was breathing heavily.

"Remus it looks like you're about to give birth," laughed Sirius who was sitting across from shoving food down his throat.

"Leave him alone, Sirius. Now let's see, how can we make you presentable for the ladies tonight?" inquired James who was sliding his finger over his chin as though he was in deep thought.

"Come on guys, do I really have to do this?" pleaded Remus as sweat ran down his forehead profusely. "Can't I just pay you each 100 galleons?"

"Remus, you don't have that kind of money, besides this should be fun."

"Yeah fun for you two!" he shrieked.

"Remus, are you alright?" asked Lily who was now standing the doorway. Her hair was lightly tossed over her shoulder and she had her hand over her stomach.

James looked at her bewildered, and asked "Are you alright? Why are you holding your stomach? Oh Merlin-"

"James, I'm fine! Anyways what are you guys up to? I really don't want another fiasco like the one at Christmas," she chuckled.

"Oh, yeah we're taking Remus to the Three Broomsticks tonight to get a girl!" screamed Sirius in serious contentment.

"Oh dear," Lily replied shaking her head.

"What?" asked James.

"Well it's just most of your plans just don't succeed and I would just hate to see Remus here, well get hurt or embarrassed." Lily folded her arms across her chest and looked down at the both of them. She looked a bit like McGonagall if you forget the red hair and how she wasn't a hundred years old.

"Trust me, Lily. This plan will and I mean it will work!" Sirius tried to assure her.

Lily unconvinced replied, "Alright fine, but don't expect me to bail you morons out of jail."

"Lily that really does it hurt," Sirius said in mock hurt holding his hand over his heart.

"Good, now can you please clean up this mess?" she asked irritated pointing the mountain of dishes in the sink and the pile of newspaper that were scattered across the floor.

"Lils, we need this time to plan Remus's expedition," James explained.

"Speaking of which, we'll need your help Lily," Sirius shot.

"Oh dear God, it's not like you ever needed my help to act like idiots before," Lily reminded them walking towards them. She took a seat next to James and held his hand in hers.

Smiling James began, "Well really we need your help since you're a woman."

"Oh please," she replied unconvinced.

"Come on Lils," Sirius started as she shot an angry look his way, "What do you women like about us? I mean what made you like James?" He smiled that heart melting grin that every girl swooned over, except for her. "Besides I still don't see how you fell for James," he muttered.

"Hey!" James called back in resentment.

"Well _us women_, although I find it offensive you call us that, find a lot things charming about guys," Lily explained.

"Like what?" asked James curiously.

"Like your adorable messy black hair or the way you make my heart melt at every word that rolls off your tongue," Lily said looking into James's face which was bright red.

"Or your beautiful smile and those green eyes that just-"

"Stop, alright?! Enough of this love crap," Sirius spat in sincere hopes they'd just shut it.

Lily laughed, and began, "Well first of all girls like it when guys are honest."

"So a girl wouldn't mind find it mean if we called her an ugly toad, if I was being honest?" asked Sirius.

"I think they would, Sirius. I can't really explain it, just don't tell lie to a girl about how you really feel about her," Lily replied.

"Yes because I find it hard to believe that you genuinely loved two hundred and fifty girls," Remus finally piped up.

"Excuse Mr. Moony, but if you're going to insult me at least get it right. It's been two hundred and sixty seven," Sirius corrected him like it was something to be proud of.

"Ok the next thing is," Lily paused and tapped her index finger to her temple, "make her feel special."

"Like-"

Before Sirius could finish his dirty though Remus interrupted and asked Lily, "How are you supposed to make a girl feel special?"

"It's easy, really. Compliment her, not too much though. Hold her hand and don't pressure her. She'll tell you when she's ready for anything more." Lily looked directly at Sirius at her last word, knowing too well that he had pressured plenty of girls.

"Look Lily I've never pressured a girl," Sirius began in a solemn defense.

"No I wasn't accusing you of anything," she lied and turned her attention back to Remus. "Is that all?"

"No, there is no way! I can barely talk to a girl without spilling something on her and accidentally setting her on fire," Remus pleaded.

"You set a girl on fire?" asked in Lily in bafflement.

"Long story," elucidated James.

"Oh I know one! Never make a girl pay, for dinner or anything. Hold open doors and walk her to the door, that is if she isn't running for it already," Lily chortled and continued, "just be a gentleman."

"Well I can do that, I suppose," Remus said with a tone of confidence in his voice.

"So, I guess that's enough right?" Lily asked hoping she could just leave. She didn't need the details of what exactly they were planning.

"No Lily! We've got all that emotional junk down, we need help with his appearance," Sirius replied urgently.

"There is nothing to do. Remus is cute, I'm sure any girl would love to be with him," Lily complimented in hopes to raise his confidence.

Remus quickly blushed and James nearly flew onto Lily. "But you still find me sexy right?! Right?!"

Lily snorted and began, "Sure if you think I do."

"What?!"

"I'm just kidding, now what's wrong with his appearance?" Lily asked looking at Remus observantly.

He was dressed in simple muggle clothes, a pair of jeans and a black t-shirt with a few rips in it. "He needs to look like me," Sirius announced tugging at his own clothes.

"Like a buffoon?"

"Hey!" Sirius burst in defense.

"Well, since you're going to the Three Broomsticks, and not some muggle place, robes would be fine."

"But robes aren't sexy on him!"

"Er, Sirius?" James asked.

"No! I mean I just, argh!" Sirius tried to explain himself.

"Okay before we get into this conversation, James, go upstairs and find something for Remus. How about those casual robes you wore to that Christmas party last year," Lily suggested.

"You mean that Christmas that-"

"Yes, that one! Now go," Lily quickly interrupted.

James darted out of the room and Sirius turned directly to Lily. "What happened at that Christmas party?"

"Nothing," Lily murmured.

Grinning Sirius replied, "Sure."

xxx

"Remus, come on!" shouted Sirius from the bottom of the stairwell.

"No, I refuse!" he bellowed back from Lily's and James's bedroom.

"Hold still," snapped Lily as she adjusted the collar that Remus was wearing.

"I don't want to do this, I really don't," he complained looking up the clock. It would be a very long night.

"Remus, you really should do this," Lily answered him holding his palm in hers. "You'll never find _her_ if you don't look for her."

"Yeah and I'll never find her if I'm being dragged by two baboons."

"Oh Remus," Lily laughed as she tucked a pin where the ends of one sleeve met. She stepped back and examined him. She raised her two thumbs and said, "I wouldn't be surprised if you were the next Sirius, minus all those womanizer qualities."

"Thanks Lily," he lightly pecked on her on the cheek. "Wish me luck."

He headed for the door as Lily called after him, "Good luck!"

He rolled his eyes and he slowly slumped down the stairs. James and Sirius were waiting for him at the bottom with two stupid looking smiles. "Ready, Moony?"

"Yeah, let's just get this over with," he moaned.

"Aw c'mon it won't be _that_ bad," James tried to assure him.

"Yeah, we'll see about that." Remus suppressed a heavy sigh and followed the two. This would most definitely be a night that he wouldn't be able to forget. He adjusted the collar; Lily had set it much too tight, and followed them out the door. The cold January air slapped them in the face as soon as they stepped out.

Shivering Sirius quickly announced, "Apparate to Hogsmeade." Remus knew there was absolutely no way of getting out of this. If he ran into the house, not bothering to Apparate to Hogsmeade with them, they'd come back to get him within a matter of seconds.

James smiled back at Remus before disappearing. "Oh Merlin, here we go," Remus muttered under his breath. He closed his eyes and Apparated to what was planning to be a very long night.

_Author's Note: Another filler chapter sorry! I didn't think many people would want to read a six page story so I stopped here. But I updated both chapters so you wouldn't have to wait! So go review!_


	12. Fuzzy Swiss Cheese

Disclaimer- If I was JKR I would be a billionaire and not have made Dumbledore gay.

Author's Note- Enjoy and Review!

**Chapter Twelve**

Remus soon found himself in the all too familiar Hogsmeade. He could smell the sweets reeking from Honeydukes. The memories of his school days flooded back, even if they all had been there just a few months ago. At least when he was younger he wasn't being dragged out to meet girls, ones who would probably end up in St. Mungo's the next morning. Remus let out a hefty sigh and then dragged himself through the snow to the Three Broomsticks.

The noise nearly burned his ears off as he stepped over the threshold. Through the crowd of witches and wizards – were some of those underage in the corner? - he instantly spotted James and Sirius. James was sitting upon a stool chatting it up with Madame Rosmerta. It wasn't much of a surprise. He and Sirius would always find some disturbing way to flatter her so much that she served alcohol to them, even if they were underage when she did.

Sirius was leaning upon the bar also, almost on top of the girl he was talking to, and was pressing his luck with the cheesiest pick-up lines to date. "Your body is like a wonderland," he paused taking a long gulp of firewhisky, "and right now I want to be Alice." The girl, slim and extraordinarily beautiful which was nothing new, started to blush profusely.

"Oh, Sirius!" she squealed as she slapped her hand on his chest which only intrigued him even more. He whispered something in her ear that made her redder than a tomato. He left leaving her there bright red, brighter than Lily's hair, and walked towards Remus.

With a satisfied look on his face he spoke, "Tonight is going to be very fun."

"Yeah because my getting rejected is entertaining to watch," Remus snapped.

"Oh yeah, that too," Sirius answered.

"You pervert," commented Remus as James walked beside the two. He had two bottles of firewhisky in his hand, one of which was already half gone. He handed one to Remus and took a seat at a nearby table.

Sirius and Remus followed grasping their bottles tight in their hands. "Oh this table brings back lots of memories," Sirius announced. Remus took a chair and sat down. He slumped down and set his head down on the table, his arms shielding him from the world. "I think her name was Dorcas."

"Ugh!" Remus shouted as he jumped up from his position.

"Oh Moony," Sirius patted his shoulder to which Remus quickly moved away from his touch. "Just sit down." Sirius took a seat and poured some more firewhisky down his throat.

Hesitantly, Remus took a seat in between James and Sirius. "Can we just get this over with?" Remus moaned.

"Why would you want to rush your first night picking up women?" asked James confused.

"Women?" asked a much displeased Remus.

"Yes not just one, but many," answered Sirius who winked at a nearby girl, different from the one who he had been previously talking to. He turned his attention back to them and spoke, "Here's the plan, talk to her, get her drunk, snog her senseless, shag her senseless, and then tomorrow do it all over again with someone new!"

"If I sleep with every woman in here it will be like sleeping with you Sirius!" Remus shouted. He took an exaggerated drink of his firewhisky and then immediately realized what he had just said. "Oh no, that is not what I meant!"

Sirius couldn't help the roar of laughter he was producing. He was holding onto his stomach, his face bright purple. It was hard to tell if he was laughing or if he was doing a drunk tap dance. "Thanks, Moony! It's nice to know I'm so irresistible to both sexes."

"Screw you," Remus snapped.

"Anytime," he sardonically replied. "Now let's find you a woman! We'll start with one tonight, after what you just said; two just may not be safe."

"Alright, Padfoot. Now let's find him a girl." They quickly went into what they called "hunting mode". They set their eyes on every girl in the place. James quickly pointed out one with long, shimmering golden hair. She looked as though she was having a good time, a real good time. "How about her?"

"No she's too blonde," Sirius hastily rejected.

"What? No she's not."

"Alright, just no. We didn't exactly have a clean break," Sirius explained keeping his eyes focused on the many girls that passed by, all of which were drunk. "Aha, there she is! She is perfect!" Sirius was practically jumping out of his seat as he pointed to a girl that was standing in a corner surrounded by a herd of hungry men. It wasn't exactly food they were hungry for.

She was a tall, slender, brunette, and not to mention a busty woman. It was no surprise Sirius immediately liked her. "Why? She doesn't look like she has morals," Remus explained his voice almost cracking.

"Now that is not a very fair assumption," James defended.

"She just flashed them!" he exclaimed.

"And that's not moral, because? It was probably for a good cause."

"No not her," Remus pleaded.

"Yes, you are going after her," announced Sirius who was now sporting a hefty grin across his face. He shoved Remus out of his chair and violently pushed him across the room.

Remus couldn't stop, he was going far too fast and before he knew it he landed in the lap of the busty brunette. "Oh dear Merlin, I'm sorry," he frantically apologized

"Oh it's alright," she replied, her voice was almost a lullaby as she spoke. Remus stood up and brushed himself off. He bent down and held his hand out for her. She avidly took it and as he pulled her up she slammed him into the wall. In the process several shelves' contents spilled onto the floor. She pinned her body up against his, breathing down his throat. "Hi," she murmured moving her lips to his throat.

Remus's heart was now doing jumping-jacks, maybe even some summersaults on the side. He tried to push her away but it wasn't working. He could hear the hooting from Sirius who now had two more different women settled on his lap. "No," he pleaded.

"Yes," she fought back.

"I'm gay!" he finally shouted his face growing a deep shade of pink.

"No you're not," she protested.

"Oh yes I am, totally and utterly. I don't think you're attractive at all, not one bit," he tried to explain.

"Then why are your eyes fixed upon my chest?" she asked her voice still melodic.

"What? They are not!" he bellowed.

"Well that just proves you're not gay," she laughed.

"What, how?" he stuttered.

She didn't answer, but only pulled her body closer to his. It was like she was super-glued to him. Remus had had enough, and with all the force he had in him, he pushed her away. She went flying across the bar bringing the glasses with her. People watched her in horror, some afraid of whether to laugh or not. Before Remus could even sneak another breath in, a livid Madame Rosmerta stood before him. "Out!"

In shame, Remus walked past the whole pub. He glanced towards Sirius and James. Sirius had a look of anger and pleased look on his face. James was too busy playing with his fingers to pay attention. Remus doubted whether he had even seen what had happened.

He slowly exited the bar, his face still a deep pink. His forehead was a pool of sweat that only made matters worse. Remus whipped his head back once more to see if Sirius or James was coming, before stepping out of the pub. Maybe some unknown supernatural force would have made them both too drunk to notice. It didn't seem that good of theory, considering that woman had a made a loud thud. Very loud.

The cool air brushed against his face, calming him down a bit. The snow crunched under his feet, noisily. Remus soon found an oak bench a few shops from the Three Broomsticks. He was too embarrassed a woman sitting at the other end, bundled in many layers of what looked like warm clothing. She had long brownish hair with a tint of bronze in it that was stuffed into her hat. She was looking straight ahead, at nothing in particular, and smiling. Just smiling like there was someone or something pleasant in front of her.

He sat on the edge of the bench, almost falling off. Only hours, it would only be a few hours until they were done, right? It wasn't that he didn't like this total stranger, just that he wasn't very social. Remus folded his hands and placed them on his lap which urged her to talk. "Hi," she squeaked. Her voice was much like a young girl's, but she didn't look young. She looked to be around Remus's own age.

"Hi," he curtly replied. He didn't want to make small talk; he couldn't even do that without something bad happening.

She turned her body to his and smiled. "What's your name?"

"Er, Remus," Remus stuttered. "And you?"

"Oh yes, I'm Sara," she replied. With each breath she took her eyelashes batted, almost rhythmically. Remus couldn't deny that she was gorgeous. Not the gorgeous Sirius went by, but honestly gorgeous. Her bright blue eyes were vibrant as they bounced off her brown hair.

"What are you doing here, tonight?" He had to ask the question before she did. The fact that he got kicked out of a pub for pushing a woman across the bar was not exactly his proudest moment.

"Oh nothing, really. I just haven't been here so long," she reminisced. "Hufflepuff."

"Gryffindor," he answered.

"Oh," she sighed and then placed her head back into its previous position. "And why are you here tonight?" she giggled.

"Oh Merlin, you know don't you know?" he suppressed a heavy sigh as he placed his head in his hands.

She placed her hand upon his back which instantly made him go rigid and spoke, "It's alright." She muffled a giggle with her red glove and continued, "I would have definitely done the same, although I'm not sure why you didn't just use your wand."

"I forgot about that," Remus groaned.

"Swiss cheese?" she randomly asked. Remus shot his head up confused and a bit angered. In her hand she three blocks of Swiss cheese which were covered in red fuzz. She still had a smirk on her face as she placed on in her mouth.

"Swiss cheese?! You think Swiss cheese will make me feel better?" he bellowed.

"It does for me, and American cheese isn't so bad either," she trailed off talking about different types of cheeses.

"Well I don't like cheese!"

"What did it ever do to you? I mean it is cheese, poor innocent cheese and you have some sort of vendetta towards it!" she yelled back obviously offended.

"It's damn cheese, it doesn't have feelings!"

"Yes it does and you know it. I swear cheese makes all your problems go away, just try it," she urged placing the cheese farther in his face.

He shook his head resembling a five year old. She placed a cube between two fingers and pushed it against his pursed lips. He didn't budge. She kept on pushing trying to get him to open. "C'mon, open up the tunnel, for the chu-chu train," she pleaded.

"No!" he bellowed opening his mouth full enough for her to shove it in. As he shut his mouth trying to protest he placed his sharp teeth against a very cold object.

"Ow!" Sara screamed holding her injured finger to her chest, tears streaming down her face.

"I'm sorry, oh I'm sorry!" he apologized frantically trying to pry her finger away from her chest.

"No, please I know it was an accident," she assured him. She turned back to Remus and produced a mortified look on her face. "Remus?"

"Yes?" he asked rubbing her finger.

"Are you alright?" she asked brushing her free hand against his face that was pale.

"Yes, why wouldn't I be?" he asked.

"Well it's just your face," she began.

Confused Remus placed his hands against his face and then realized what was happening. He jumped from his seat in the chair and twisted his body to the moon. It was full.

"Oh dear Merlin," he muttered to himself. "How did I not notice? How did I forget?"

"What, what did you forget?"

"I'm sorry, Sara. I have to go, I'll…I'll see you around," he stammered before running in the opposite direction as fast as his legs would let him.

Sara sat there with a bewildered expression on her face. "Was it my breath?" She called after him, "Cheese is known to give you bad breath!" Remus didn't dare to look back but kept on running knowing his time was very limited. She crossed her arms across her chest in confusion and anger. "What if I poisoned him with my cheese? Oh dear Merlin, leave it to Swiss cheese to poison someone," she argued with herself.

A slurred voice arouse from behind her, "Hey baby, let's go home and have some fun." She turned around only to see Sirius leaning up against the bench. He was breathing heavily into her ear leaving a horrid stench in the air. He was obviously drunk.

She turned her body back and grimaced in disgust. "Oh yes I'll go back to my home and you go to yours," she snapped.

He hopped over the back panel of the bench and propped himself next to her. He hung his arms around her shivering body and spoke, "Don't be difficult, now what is a girl like you doing out here all alone?"

"Well if you must know," she pushed his arms off of her and continued, "I was with someone, by the name of Remus."

"Remus? I have a friend named Remus," garbled Sirius completely oblivious to the fact it was indeed the same Remus.

"He left abruptly though, after looking at the moon. It looked like he was about to get sick or something, and then he just ran. Maybe he was late for something," she trailed off still pondering the possibilities of what had happened.

Just then Sirius sat straight up and it almost seemed like he was completely sober. "Are you sure? This Remus did he have sandy blonde hair, and uh um scratches all over his face?" he asked standing up from the bench.

"Yes, why?" she asked.

"No reason, I have to go, nice seeing you. And by the way that offer still stand, me and you, maybe some-"

"Sirius!" called a hoarse voice a few shops down. Sirius cocked his head only to see James swaying uneasily side to side. Sirius started running, galloping really by the looks of it and James followed his actions. All they needed was a meadow full of flowers and the sun to create that clichéd scene of two lovers running towards each other. "Where's Remus?" James asked as they approached each other.

"I don't know, this chick over there said something about Remus running away and the moon," he panted in response.

"Moon?!" James bellowed; his eyes wide.

"Yeah the moon, that thing that makes Remus change every month when it's," Sirius looked up at the sky and instantly added, "Ohhhhh."

"Dumbass," James muttered. "Well where is he?"

"Shrieking Shack, probably."

"Well go!"

xxx

"Oh dear Merlin, where is Sirius," Lily took a deep breath and spoke, "and Remus?"

James brushed her to the side as he pulled the blanket closer around them. "Have you seen the moon?" he whispered in her ear.

"Oh," she muttered.

"Plus some fuzzy cheese had a part in it," he laughed.

"Fuzzy cheese?" she asked.

"Oh yes, fuzzy cheese," James mimicked in a deep voice, attempting to make it sound seductive. "Lily did you notice we are all alone, no Sirius or Remus?"

"Yes, I think did" she replied laying a hand over his chest, grinning.

"Well is there anything you want to do?" he asked trying to sound innocent.

"I can think of something," she answered putting heavy emphasis on something.

"And that would be?" James asked feeling a surge of excitement rush through him. He hadn't had any time alone with Lily for months, and now they were finally all _alone._

"Well," she began as she fumbled over his collar. She undid one button before pressing her lips to his chest and answered, "To sleep. Good night!" She rolled over and turned off the light with a huge smile on her face. James made a mental note to bring along some fuzzy cheese next time he wanted to do something more with Lily.

_Well I know this wasn't very funny, sorry…the next ones I'll try and put lots of humor into them…_

_Plus I was just wondering if anyone could help me with this problem??---_

_My computer is continually freezing like at random times. It always happens when I'm typing causing me to lose my files sometimes. I put them all on a thing just in case, but is there anything I can do to my computer to make it stop? I mean it seriously freezes ten times in just twenty minutes…would cleaning my computer of all of my files help at all?_

_As soon as I fix my computer I'll update again!_


	13. Penguin Pecking Troubles

Disclaimer- I'm sitting here writing fanfiction and listening to Paramore, does it sound like I'm J.K. Rowling? I don't own Harry Potter!

Author's Note- Yup, Lily's real birthday is January 30. I did check. And super big thanks to books4evah for adding this story to her community. I usually don't advertise people or anything like that, but I just felt uber special. Anyways go on and read, and review!

I tested my skills at British English, so incase you didn't know. Pram- Stroller; Knickers- Undergarments; Nappy-Diaper; Cot- Crib

**Chapter Thirteen**

Lily cupped her hands around a mug, letting the warmth radiate to her hands. Her brilliant red hair was tucked gently behind her ears. She took a quiet sip, trying to enjoy the quiet that would inevitably end soon. It had been nearly three months since Remus and Sirius had stopped for a "little visit". So much of a little visit, didn't they have their own houses?

Before Lily could gather the warm contents that filled her cup, hot cocoa with a mush of melted marshmallows swirling around in it, she heard a bloodcurdling scream from the upstairs. "Oh dear Merlin," she muttered to herself. Lily heaved herself, careful and cautious not to disturb the baby, up from the table and slowly glided out of the kitchen. They were all upstairs and who knew what kind of stunts they'd pull? Lily felt like she already had two children; James and Sirius.

She took one step on the rickety stairs and listened to the screams of James, "Sirius! Lily is going to kill you!" Lily shook her head in fear and paced herself faster. As she approached the top she heard James again, "Please, Sirius! It's her birthday in a few days!"

"Damn it, I thought they forgot," Lily muttered to herself. That would be her perfect present, if they just had forgotten her birthday and gone out to get drunk. That way Lily could have at least an hour alone. She eased upon the last step and found herself in the hallway.

"Do you think I look like Lily?" laughed Sirius from what Lily concluded was her bedroom.

Lily trudged through the hall, ignoring Remus's snickers, and straight to her bedroom. "What are you two-" She stopped; her mouth to the floor, her heart ready to fly out of her chest. She eyes couldn't tear away from Sirius prancing around in her knickers. A sheepish smile was drawn upon his face as he jumped down from the bed to greet her.

"Lils!" he screeched holding his hand out to hers.

She quickly snatched it away before he could merely come within inches of her. "Sirius! What are you doing?!" Her voice was drowned out by his cynical laughing.

"Oh about this," he started pulling at a strap that dug into his shoulder, "well James was calling you sexy when you were in your knickers-"

"JAMES!" Lily bellowed, her face deepening into a red shade.

"What?" James shrugged in utter innocence.

"And well I wanted to feel what is what like to be sexy as a girl. Because let's face it as a man, I'm pretty damn-"

"Enough! Sirius, take them off now and then burn them! Do you hear me, don't you dare put them back in my drawer!" Lily expelled a heavy sigh before turning on her heel and leaving them behind.

"Honestly, if she wasn't pregnant she'd find this quite amusing," muttered Sirius as he struggled to get out of the very tight fighting garments that were clinging to his body.

"Oh I'm sure she would, but honestly, Sirius what would possess you to wear Lily's knickers?" James asked trying to resist the urge to laugh.

"Yeah are not feeling very sexy?" chimed in Remus who was emerging from the doorway. He finished his roaring laughter before his face became serious. "What are you planning to get Lily for her birthday? Is it a step up from the toothbrushes, perhaps toilet paper?"

"Yeah maybe your horrible presents are the reason why she is repulsed by your very touch," laughed Sirius as he struggled to free himself of the top half of Lily's undergarments.

"What…how…why?!" James moaned. "Shouldn't pregnant women want to be closer, now that they're already screwed?"

"Well that's a pretty macho thing to say," Remus said, his voice thick with disapproval.

"Hey wanna hear a joke?" asked Sirius as he finally freed himself of Lily's knickers. He didn't wait for their answers, "What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?"

"Don't know," muttered Remus.

"You can only unscrew one!" He laughed greatly, in deep satisfaction.

"It's nice to know that you take the art form of pregnancy so seriously," Remus complained.

"Art! You think having the woman you love pregnant is an art form? It's more like a personal hell hole that you get trapped in for nine months!" James objected.

"Oh c'mon, she hasn't been that bad. You're only saying that because she won't sleep with you," Remus added matter-of-factly.

"Hmph," James grunted before returning back to his bed where he sat. "What am I supposed to get her? The whole perfume thing was a debacle," he continued changing the subject.

"How about something for the baby?" suggested Remus.

"What do you mean? I mean the only thing a baby needs is something to eat, somewhere to sleep and go to-"

"Stop! I really don't think we need all the details, Sirius," Remus interrupted him, his voice full of scorn. "Do you have anything for the baby, a pram, clothes, a cot?"

"Uh no," James bluntly answered. "Where are we supposed to get those?"

Remus sighed before answering, "A muggle store, and honestly I don't think you two should ever go in one again. You'll end up thinking nappies are marshmallows or something!"

"Couldn't you just summon them?" asked Sirius.

"No, that would _stealing,_ and I for one do not steal!"

"Well you've stolen my sanity along with the rest of the penguins!" shouted Sirius.

"Oh dear, not the penguin thing again. I thought we went over this, Sirius. The penguins at the zoo are not out to get you," James said, his voice soothing.

"I swear they are!"

"No they are not! Damn it, Sirius, penguins are harmless creatures," Remus shouted back at him, obviously frustrated.

"But the way they look at you, it's like they're ready to peck you to death!"

"Penguins don't peck!"

"In my dreams, they do, and lots of it," Sirius mumbled.

"Do you know what this means?" James asked, shaking his head.

"Oh please, no!" Remus yelled realizing what James was getting at.

"Oh yes, this means we're going to have to take you to a muggle zoo and," he paused for a dramatic effect, "get you to face your fears of penguins!"

"NO!" screamed Sirius in horror as he collapsed to his knees. "Not the penguins!"

**I wasn't intending to make the whole penguin thing, but with Sirius things just happen! Anyways review and the next chapter should be up soon!**

**I realized this was like the three month anniversy of my story...ha. Well here i am, still writing it, thirteen chapters and fourty-seven reviews later. I've never stuck to a story this, i'm proud, so proud in fact i deserve a muffin...**


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